


My Apologies

by rotg5311



Category: Supernatural
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-12 08:30:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17464061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rotg5311/pseuds/rotg5311
Summary: Dean mulls over the content of Billie's book and decided's the words inside are the best way to stop Michael from destroying their world.





	My Apologies

Dean’s hand shook just for a second before he got it under control. This was fine, everything was fine. Four individual letters sat in front of him, a reminder of what he needed to do. Each letter was labeled with a name written in his writing; Mom, Sam, Jack, and Cas. All of them started off basically the same way, explaining Billie’s room of books, and how she had brought him the only one that said he didn’t let Michael destroy the world. It had hit him like a train what she expected of him, though he would do it if it meant Michael couldn’t use him. Without his perfect vessel, maybe that would slow him down enough for Sam and Cas to find a way to kill him or send him back to where he belonged at the very least. If he wasn’t in Dean’s body, they would be more willing to put Michael down, and that was something Dean could live with.

Mary’s letter was an apology. Sorry for doing it, sorry for not telling anyone, sorry for all the stupid little fights that seemed so pointless now. ‘I love you and I’ll miss you.’ The letter was sprinkled with other things, feelings and confessions. Dean didn’t doubt Mary knew he loved her, but he added it in anyways, just in case, along with a reminder not to bring him back. She was in Heaven once. She had been with her husband and son’s in a perfect world where she never died. If anyone could understand wanting to stay dead it would be her. And while all the letters repeated the same instruction not to bring him back, he was counting on Mary to help enforce it.

Sam’s letter was taped to the top of Billie’s book as a way to prove his statement. If he had a problem with it, he could take it up with Billie, though he was sure to remind Sam in the letter that Billie had told them the next time they die, she would make sure they stay dead. Dean pleaded with Sam to let her keep it that way. He was old and tired and by doing what he was about to do, he might potentially be saving the entire world. It was well worth it. Sam’s letter was filled with memories, all the best ones. Dean wanted him to be able to look at it whenever he got sad and be able to smile. Then he had to throw in a reminder that he knew Sam would never abandon him like Michael had tried throwing in his face. He had just been taking all of Dean’s deep dark shameful thoughts and twisting them into something ugly and untrue. Sure, at the time Sam left, it felt like a brief moment of abandonment and betrayal, but Dean knew better now. Dean made sure to fill the letter with as much happiness as he could. He was sure Sam would need it later. He even added in an ‘I love you’ in there. It wasn't something they ever said t each other, and in hindsight, it was probably their Dad’s fault for never being expressive enough. But this was literally the last chance he would have to tell his Brother, and he wouldn’t let it go to waste, even if writing the words themselves made his cheeks burn.

Jack got the same explanation as everyone else, along with a ‘For God’s sake, just make sure you all leave me dead.’ Dean was sure he could enforce it as well as Mary would. Jack had seen how happy his Mother was in Heaven, hopefully he would want Dean being happy, too. Assuming Dean didn’t go straight to Hell, though that wasn’t something he’d let his mind dwell on. Whatever was about to happen would happen. He told Jack that he was like a son to him, and like all of Dean’s children, it was awful to lose him so soon. Dean apologized for how he first acted when they met. He had expected the worst, when Jack turned out to be the best thing that happened to all of them in a long time. He made sure to tell Jack how proud he was of him, since that was the one thing he had always been desperate to hear from his own Father. Another ‘I Love You.’, because there was no way he was willing to die without letting Jack know.

While Sam’s letter was long, Cas’s was by far the longest. An explanation, an apology, and the request to let him stay dead seemed to take up little room compared to the rest of what he needed to say. It seemed silly when he asked Cas to visit him in Heaven ‘if he had the chance’. Of course there was a lot going on, but he had no doubt Cas would come to him in Heaven and beg him to come back with whatever back alley thing they found from God knows who. Dean would tell him no, but it would still be nice to see him. Dean apologized for what Michael said. Sure, Cas had messed up alot in the past, but that’s not the only thing he’s done. Cas had helped them on so many occasions and that’s what made him family at first. Then came the love. Cas helped Dean realize that no matter how many times Sam messed up, thy were still family. He helped him love his Brother again. Cas helped Dean love Jack like a son. And through all of that Dean hadn’t realized that he was falling in love with Cas himself until it was too late. Sure, under it all, the tension had always been there, but now he was fully willing to admit that he was in love. It was funny what being on Death’s door with no way back could drag out of the deepest darkest places in your mind. So Cas’s letter was a love confession. Everything he had kept pent up for years, all flowing out onto paper. Seeing the words in front of him made his situation seem so much more real. So real, in fact, that one tiny little tear managed to land on the bottom corner of the letter before he could stop it. Crying wouldn’t do him any good now. He made sure to tell Cas how he wished they had more time. How he wished he hadn't been embarrassed enough about his own feeling, and maybe they could’ve spent some time together, no matter how short. A final goodbye, and another ‘I Love you’, though this one felt the best to get off his chest.

For a while, Dean just stared at the letters. As soon as he passed them out, he was going to do what needed to be done, and yet he couldn’t get his feet to move on their own. So instead he sat there looking at the letters while he looked over his life. Short, hellish, and finally over. With that he got up and snuck around the bunker. Sam and Jack were asleep, and it was easy to slip in their rooms and leave their letters on their headboards. He made sure to spend a little extra time in each room just to look over their sleeping faces for the last time. Cas on the other hand didn’t sleep. Dean wasn’t sure where he would be, but he didn’t want to go find him. If Cas knew what Dean was planning, he would stop him. So Dean went to his ‘mancave’ and left the letter there. He was sure Cas would check there after he saw everyone else with a letter. They spent so much time there together. Mary’s letter got left on the kitchen table. She wasn’t in the bunker, but Sam would find it and save it for her.

He might’ve taken one last joyride in Baby, but she had been left behind. So instead he went to the garage and sat in a corner. This would be the easiest room for them to clean, though the thought made his stomach twist. He could do it outside, though he didn’t to be dragged off by some wild animal in the night. Dean wanted a hunter’s funeral. No ghosts. The bottle of Jack in his hand seemed so heavy now. He took a chug and let the tears finally fall freely. The words from Billie’s book swam in his mind. ‘Dean picks up his favorite gun and puts it to his head.’ Another chug and Dean puts down the bottle and picks up his Gun instead. It’s cool against his skin and he cant help but let out one last sob. This is the only way he can weaken Michael. Dean pulls the trigger.


End file.
